Sweet Information/Lyrics

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'''Version One: Little Gray Book Lectures'''

Now is the time when the world really needs him,
Wisdom is out of our reach.
Out of the wasteland there comes a redeemer
Whose only desire is to teach.

A tireless man on a quest for knowledge,
He won't stop,
He never yields.
Leading a small but distinguished panel
Of experts in their fields.

(Then comes a spoken interlude by John Hodgman, welcoming people and saying something relevant to the specific Little Gray Book lecture to follow, and finally making reference to earlier LGB lectures and their previous topics)

Previous topics included Chicago,
The truth and the telling of lies.
Seeking your fortune and throwing a Curveball,
gambling and spelling and spies.

All of your travels are finally over,
You're safe now, there's nothing to fear.
Tip back a glass of your favorite beverage,
You're lucky to be here!

And tonight, you're holding a key.
That fits in a lock, that opens a door
That shows you a room, that's holding a heart.
It's pumping the blood, it's feeding your brain
With information, sweet information,
Sweet information!


'''Version Two: Areas of My Expertise'''

Now is the time when the world really needs him,
Wisdom is out of our reach.
Out of the wasteland there comes a redeemer
Whose only desire is to teach.

Don't waste your time at some fancy college.
Forget that,
There's too much to read.
He's got a book of complete world knowledge;
It's all you'll ever need.

(Here comes an interlude in which John Hodgman welcomes the audience and makes reference to his book. He goes through the short title of the book, then from memory gives the longer title, ending with the phrase "and most other subjects.")

Most other subjects include having asthma,
Tipping in fancy hotels,
Terrible haircuts, {whispered:} Dungeons! & Dragons!
Monsters and magical spells.

All of your travels are finally over,
You're safe now, there's nothing to fear.
Tip back a glass of your favorite beverage,
You're lucky to be here!

Because tonight, you're holding a key.
Fits in a lock, opens a door.
Shows you a room, it's holding a heart.
It's pumping the blood, it's feeding your brain
With information, sweet information,
Sweet information!

'''Version Three: More Information Than You Require'''

What do you do when you've finished a great book
That betters the world where you live?
Do you retire, rest on your laurels,
Or do you continue to give?

The previous book of complete world knowledge
Was too short and easy to read.
Wrote a new book of complete world knowledge
It's way more what you need.

(Interlude)

He sells computers in funny commercials
In which he plays the PC.
He wore a fat suit
Sneezed and fell down once,
Got nervous about surgery.

Even though he's become hugely famous
And wealthy, he's counting on you.
If your computers are old and clunky,
You know what you need to do!

Because tonight, you're holding a key.
Fits in a lock, opens a door.
Shows you a room, that has a TV
That's running an ad
That's making you want
Some new computers! He sells computers!
Please buy his computers!